Sex and Digital Dating Advice

Kyra Harris

10 September 2016

 I don’t claim to be a sexologist or a psychoanalyst on the topic of sex and dating, nor am I a writer. What I am is sex positive and perpetually horny.

This column is primarily a space for us to break down taboos of talking about sex behind closed doors. Let’s talk about it all: safe sex, heterosexual and gay sex, monogamy and polyamory, threesomes and orgies, pornography, bondism, sadism and masochism, young and old fantasies, fetishes, water works, and any other sexual activity between consenting adults.

I bring my current knowledge of sex and I’m hoping you will all give me a reason to gather more data through first-hand field research (purely for purposes of writing this column, of course).

This is a safe space for you, readers. Also up for discussion is digital dating, which has become the norm for so many people: meeting on Facebook, Tinder, Plenty of Fish, OK Cupid, Zoosk, Match, eHarmony, and other sites and apps. At this point, I’m not sure I know how to meet a person without some digital interface. Feel free to submit questions anonymously at slashnburnsex@gmail.com or through our Facebook page. Let us know what name you want attributed to your questions.

We open our first column with questions from a female reader, Delirium:

1) If someone sleeps with you on the first date, does it make you not consider dating them?

2) If you answered yes to the first question, why is that? It seems that if you feel that

     way, then you are punishing the other person for having sex with you.

The short answer to your question is: NO.

Sex is important. I don’t want to start falling for someone only to discover that sex with them is shit. Expressing my lack of sexual interest after some emotional attachment has already been established would be infinitely more difficult than expressing my expectations up front. That said, I believe there is a thin line to walk that requires tons of communication. Society has wired us to believe sex on a first date is a sign of promiscuity, with all the negative connotations that follow.

This question brings to mind the old adage “If he can get the milk for free, why would he buy the cow?” Taking this saying at face value, and not from the misogynistic way it really comes off, I think it’s best to think about what comes next after sex. About what you want to come next. Building a fulfilling relationship after sex on the first date may be harder than waiting to have sex. Both your partner and you may have questions about how things will progress after having sex on the first date. Is the relationship also going to progress as quickly as the initial date? Are there going to be expectations of a committed relationship, marriage, kids, the house with the white picket fence and golden retriever? What level of self-control does the other person have if they are willing to fuck on a first date? If you decide not to sleep with them on the second date, are they going to feel rejected? I believe any potential relationship static can be avoided by discussing your expectations about the relationship with each individual.

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The theme of the next column will be:

Watching.

Who’s a fan of watching Porn? I know I am. Finding a great channel like anal and DP was like putting on a good pair of well-worn chucks you’d owned for years. You just know it fits, it doesn’t take you long to get settled in and become all hot and bothered. Porn, for me, is about the need to release whatever pent up energy and feelings have been built up.

Do any or you watch porn for enjoyment without masturbating? Lately, I’ve been fascinated with the idea of watching the act of sex in-person. I want to see it live and in Hi-Def (meaning I put my glasses on). But the question is, how is this going to work? I know I’m going to have anxiety watching such an intimate act. I’ll have so many questions: What are they thinking? Is this as weird for them as it is for me? Can I touch him? Can I touch her? I have such a difficult time keeping my own secrets so what will my friends think when they find out about this desire and its eventual fulfillment? How far down the rabbit hole of “depravity” and “taboo” will I venture? All I can say is I’ve enjoyed the ride so far and I hope to probe deep.

Send us any questions you might have about porn and voyeurism. We also welcome any other questions about sex, digital dating, and relationships.

– Many Merry Fuckings

 

Kyra was raised in Turkey as a military brat and ingrained with the saying “diversity is the spice of life” and that’s how she lives her life. She loves traveling, swimming, and her job within student affairs.